Why Do I Feel Fat?

Dearest readers, there is something that’s been bothering me lately, and I’m not sure what to do about it. You see, as much positivity as I try to radiate to myself and to others, I’m finding that some negativity is still leaking its way through. As good as I feel about attending regular yoga classes and eating healthy (most of the time), I still find myself internally criticizing my body.

I look fat.

I need to lose weight.

I wish I had [flatter abs, smaller boobs, better arm muscles, etc.]

And at the back of my brain, a nagging voice that says things like

You’ll never get there.

She’s just prettier than you.

I admire Jennifer Lawrence's outlook on body image.
Image: Jaguar PS / Shutterstock.com

Why do I keep thinking these things? I tell myself everyday that I am proud of the progress I’ve made and the active lifestyle I try to live. I tell myself to do the best I can but that if I am just too exhausted to go to yoga every once in a while, it’s ok. And I believe it is, I really do, but I keep finding myself feeling bad afterwards. I don’t like thinking things like You shouldn’t have eaten that cookie today or No more bread for awhile not because I want to be healthier, but because I feel fat. But I have to fight the urge to think them far more often than I'd like.

Why does this keep happening? Is it just me, or does this happen to any of you, too?

Many people would be quick to blame the media and the unhealthy body image it so often cultivates, and maybe that’s part of it for me. But, to be honest, I have way more envy of women like Jennifer Lawrence, who has been referred to a “fat actress” in Hollywood because she has a few curves. In other words, she’s not stick-thin and doesn’t torture herself out of food like many others. She's fit, but doesn't have the same obsession with eliminating every ounce of body fat from her body.

A while back, I watched an inspiring poetry slam entry from Lily Myers, who participated in the 2013 College Unions Poetry Slam Invitational. She put into beautiful images what I think is really the root of the problem: accidental behavioral inheritance. We pick up the habits of those around us, whether we mean to or not. Myers talks about her mother in her piece, “Shrinking Women,” who seems to take up less space each time she goes home to see her:

“I never meant to replicate her, but spend enough time sitting across from someone and you pick up their habits—that’s why women in my family have been shrinking for decades.”

After watching this video, I realized that I grew up this way, too. Show my mother any photo of herself, and no matter how beautiful she looks, she is never satisfied: she always says she looks fat. My sister does the same thing, pointing out “neck rolls” that I never even noticed and that are actually just natural folds of the skin.

Me, I’m stuck somewhere between where I want to be and what I learned to tell myself. No matter how many times my mother tells me I am beautiful, I still find myself struggling to truly internalize it because I have never heard her call herself beautiful. Some days, I believe what she tells me, but other days I wear baggy sweatshirts to cover up the imagined fatness.

So how do we end this circular cycle of viciousness against ourselves? I think it’s something that we’re going to have to work on for a long time. I’ve already promised myself that I won’t put myself down in front of my children. Because as much as I might think that what I say would only hurt me, it would hurt them, too, in the end.

The Thigh Gap Game--Can We Stop Playing It?

Why do women feel the need to play themselves out of happiness? That’s what this whole thigh gap obsession feels like—just another reason for women and girls to label themselves as “fat” or “not good enough.” Why do we care if our thighs touch on the inside or not? Besides that, why do we feel that our beauty rides on whether or not we have an inch between our upper legs?

Thigh gaps are the newest unhealthy female obsession.
Image from stephaniebe.wordpress.com

There are a lot of questions there I can’t answer. But I think they still need to be asked, because it’s frightening to me how many females have an unhealthy obsession with being thin. And it’s not usually an obsession that blossoms from wanting to be healthy. It blossoms from wanting to feel beautiful and be thinner than other girls—no matter what it takes.

And with the rise of social media, the thigh gap has found its way into fashion and pop culture, and “thinspiration” blogs are garnering more support than ever. Females with seriously unhealthy habits have found support and community like never before through sites like Tumblr.

“It’s easier when you have people supporting any unhealthy habits you have,” said HuffPost’s Associate Lifestyle Editor, Carolyn Gregoire. “Whether it’s smoking or trying to become a really unhealthy weight, a lot of girls use Tumblr to connect with each other… and it really adds fuel to the fire of an unhealthy mentality.”

“We’re seeing a lot of these ‘thinspo’ photos as street style or ‘real girls,’” she said. “There’s this community of women who have this style and ‘thinspo’ is a part of that. You have to be really skinny to wear these clothes and be a part of this fashion blogosphere.”

For some women, like supermodels and movie stars, their bodies' imperfections are constantly being criticized. They must be in top physical shape as part of their job description—and those who fall outside that ideal body size and shape face scrutiny for it. Adele, Kate Winslet and Jennifer Lawrence have all been called fat (as if!) for falling above the line, while the media and public have speculated on whether Miley Cyrus, Keira Knightley and others are too skinny.

We are all unique and beautiful, thigh gap or no thigh gap.
Image from fitisafeministissue.wordpress.com

Keira Knightly put it succinctly when she talked to People in 2006. “Hollywood is all about the way you look, and I don’t think that’s the healthy thing for anyone,” she said. “But if you’re strong and comfortable with yourself, then you’re going to be fine.”

Let's all be strong and comfortable with ourselves.

There are many different sizes and shapes of women in this world—and I would argue that everyone is beautiful in their own way. It’s not fair or logical to hold ourselves to one standard of beauty—such as the thigh gap—when we are surrounded by all this diversity. We are each unique individuals, and while a thigh gap may come naturally for those with frames like Knightley’s, it might not come naturally (or healthily) to others. Above all, let’s be sure that we’re staying healthy, that we love ourselves and our bodies (even if we want to make some changes), and that we’re attaining our goals in a healthy way.