Why I’m Still Struggling To Love My Body

Self-love is hard when self-hate is the norm.

I’ve been trying harder than ever these past few years to really love my body. And though I think I’m in a pretty good place right now, I still catch myself internally criticizing because I still don’t have a flat belly, nonexistent “muffin tops,” or a smaller chest.

I found myself puzzled time and again at how I could still be having toxic thoughts like that after all this time of positive thinking and research into nutrition and holistic health.

I thought back to try and pinpoint where these negative patterns of behavior might have started – and that’s when I realized that I’ve always had them. They were engendered in me from the moment I started comprehending language. These patterns of thought and behavior have been exemplified in nearly every aspect of my life—by my mother, sister, friends, exes, coworkers, celebrities, and people I have never even met.

If you asked me to, I probably couldn’t point to an example of a time when my mother didn’t think she was fat. I remember her gazing dreamily up at a photo taken when she was about 25 years old and in prime shape. Tall, thin, long-legged, and after her first child but before the next two. It was her “goal” picture. And though she has never met that goal, I have a feeling that even if she did, she’d still find something about herself to dislike.

I don’t really blame her; it’s hard not to pick apart your body when the beauty standards society throws in front of us have been made impossible by the magic of programs like Photoshop and the fact that most of our job descriptions don’t include hours a day at the gym or a personal nutritionist. We expect perfection of ourselves and others, but that’s an impossible goal.

Now more than ever, I notice my mother doing the same thing she’s always done every time I go home to visit. We’ll be chatting about something, and she’ll casually bring up how fat she feels, and how she needs to lose weight. It’s the same conversation we’ve had for years, no matter what type of shape my mother was in.

But now, my 6-year-old niece is there, listening quietly to the adults talk. Learning that tearing yourself down for being even a little bit imperfect is something that you’re supposed to do. It tears my heart in two

It’s not just at home, though. I experience this everywhere I go. Visiting friends, at work, and even while commuting, I hear women and men talk about how they need to lose weight, how they are on a new diet or cleanse, how they had a “bad” food day, or how if they just had so-and-so’s hair or waistline or eyes, they’d be so much happier with themselves. And if it’s not people talking about themselves, it’s people talking about others.

It’s insidious. It’s toxic. And it needs to stop.

How are we supposed to learn to love ourselves if everywhere we turn, the example is self-hate?

Doutzen Kroes on Being Happy and Healthy

Models have got a bad rap for being skinny, sometimes anorexic, superficial, and vain creatures. But the truth is, they’re all people—just like us. Some of them may struggle with a mountain of insecurities, perhaps even more so than most. But the modeling industry is changing for the better, and the days when nearly all models were the perfect example of anorexia are slipping further and further into the past.

That’s not to say that the modeling industry as a whole doesn’t have its issues—because it does. But more models are fighting back against the societal ideal that models must starve themselves to be skinny enough for a shoot. Models like Cameron Russell, Doutzen Kroes, and Jennie Runk don’t believe that ribs should be showing, and they don’t hate their bodies. They’re standing up for a more moral modeling industry, one where women see their own beauty instead of trashing themselves.

Doutzen Kroes values being fit, not thin.
Anton Oparin / Shutterstock.com

Kroes is a 28-year-old mother, and says that, contrary to popular belief, she doesn’t fit into a size zero. And she doesn’t want to. “I have a woman’s body, and once in a while you run into the fact that things are not fitting the way they should be. But I joke about it and say, ‘What 13-year-old girl was wearing this?’”

Kroes is certainly a small woman, but she is that way because she eats well and works out. When she was younger, she biked about 15 miles to school and back every day, and today she stays in shape by doing ballet and boxing. But diet is most of what keeps her healthy; she nixes all alcohol consumption a month before shows, and eats “very basic and happy food,” which she regularly shares with her 670,000 Instagram followers.

And if a company ever has a problem with Kroes not fitting into sample sizes, she takes the most sensible approach: “If they think I’m too fat, I’d rather not do the job—because I’m super-healthy and fit and I’m so happy the way I am.”

As a model, Kroes feels like she has a responsibility to women and girls everywhere, and wants to make a positive impact to fight the modeling industry’s typically negative impact on self-esteem. She stresses the fact that what ends up on a magazine ad or on the runway is very staged, and not at all representative of real life.

“I feel I’m such a big part of that insecurity that some girls might have because of my job, that girls think they have to be that picture,” she says. “And even boys, they think that that picture exists, and it’s so frustrating because I don’t look like that picture—I wake up not looking like that picture.”

Model Jennie Runk echoes the same sentiment in her advocacy for teenage girls. She wants them to know that they are beautiful just as they are. “You will grow out of this awkwardness fabulously,” she wrote in an essay for BBC. “Just focus on being the best possible version of yourself and quit worrying about your thighs, there’s nothing wrong with them.”

“There’s no need to glamorize one body type and slam another,” she added. “We need to stop this absurd hatred towards bodies for being different sizes. It doesn’t help anyone and it’s getting old.”

Cameron Russell has modeled for over a decade for Victoria’s Secret, Vogue, Ralph Lauren, and many more. And like Kroes and Runk, she is a major promoter of women’s empowerment, stressing that body image isn’t everything. We have learned as a society that it’s normal and expected to be ashamed of our bodies in some way, trying to live up to an unattainable perfection.

I na poignant TED Talk, Russell says that even models feel this insecurity, perhaps even more than the rest of us. “They have the thinnest thighs and the shiniest hair and the coolest clothes, and they’re the most physically insecure women probably on the planet,” she says.”

I’m so glad to see more women standing up for real beauty, insiders pointing to the fact that the fashion industry isn’t at all what it appears. It’s a performance, albeit a beautiful one, and it’s time we stopped expecting those images to transfer over into real life.

The Thigh Gap Game--Can We Stop Playing It?

Why do women feel the need to play themselves out of happiness? That’s what this whole thigh gap obsession feels like—just another reason for women and girls to label themselves as “fat” or “not good enough.” Why do we care if our thighs touch on the inside or not? Besides that, why do we feel that our beauty rides on whether or not we have an inch between our upper legs?

Thigh gaps are the newest unhealthy female obsession.
Image from stephaniebe.wordpress.com

There are a lot of questions there I can’t answer. But I think they still need to be asked, because it’s frightening to me how many females have an unhealthy obsession with being thin. And it’s not usually an obsession that blossoms from wanting to be healthy. It blossoms from wanting to feel beautiful and be thinner than other girls—no matter what it takes.

And with the rise of social media, the thigh gap has found its way into fashion and pop culture, and “thinspiration” blogs are garnering more support than ever. Females with seriously unhealthy habits have found support and community like never before through sites like Tumblr.

“It’s easier when you have people supporting any unhealthy habits you have,” said HuffPost’s Associate Lifestyle Editor, Carolyn Gregoire. “Whether it’s smoking or trying to become a really unhealthy weight, a lot of girls use Tumblr to connect with each other… and it really adds fuel to the fire of an unhealthy mentality.”

“We’re seeing a lot of these ‘thinspo’ photos as street style or ‘real girls,’” she said. “There’s this community of women who have this style and ‘thinspo’ is a part of that. You have to be really skinny to wear these clothes and be a part of this fashion blogosphere.”

For some women, like supermodels and movie stars, their bodies' imperfections are constantly being criticized. They must be in top physical shape as part of their job description—and those who fall outside that ideal body size and shape face scrutiny for it. Adele, Kate Winslet and Jennifer Lawrence have all been called fat (as if!) for falling above the line, while the media and public have speculated on whether Miley Cyrus, Keira Knightley and others are too skinny.

We are all unique and beautiful, thigh gap or no thigh gap.
Image from fitisafeministissue.wordpress.com

Keira Knightly put it succinctly when she talked to People in 2006. “Hollywood is all about the way you look, and I don’t think that’s the healthy thing for anyone,” she said. “But if you’re strong and comfortable with yourself, then you’re going to be fine.”

Let's all be strong and comfortable with ourselves.

There are many different sizes and shapes of women in this world—and I would argue that everyone is beautiful in their own way. It’s not fair or logical to hold ourselves to one standard of beauty—such as the thigh gap—when we are surrounded by all this diversity. We are each unique individuals, and while a thigh gap may come naturally for those with frames like Knightley’s, it might not come naturally (or healthily) to others. Above all, let’s be sure that we’re staying healthy, that we love ourselves and our bodies (even if we want to make some changes), and that we’re attaining our goals in a healthy way.

Average Sized Mannequin Photo Goes Viral

I’m sure I’m not the only person who’s ever walked by mannequins on display at a store and asked, “Really?” It’s not uncommon to see weirdly skinny mannequins sporting merchandise in size 0, safety pinned at the back because it’s still too big. Those clothes often end up being what I describe as “good on the rack,” but not really anywhere else.

The Gap's "Always Skinny" mannequin earned
the nickname "Death Camp Chic"

You know it’s a problem when your bones are literally bigger than what’s supposed to be a full flesh-and-bone representation. Of course, not all mannequins are like that. But the average size for mannequins in the United States is between sizes 4 and 6. This contrasts sharply with the average woman’s size, which is between 12 and 14 according to Women’s Wear Daily.

Mannequins are also blessed with abnormally long figures and limbs, some as much as 6 inches taller and 6 sizes smaller than the average woman, according to the Chicago Tribune. But lately some in the fashion industry have taken a stand against the promotion of anorexic figures, including major gurus like Vogue, which is run by editor Anna Wintour and contributed to by fashionistas like Lauren Santo Domingo.

But now a photo of two mannequins is making the viral rounds on the Internet—and the approval has been overwhelming. The picture depicts two mannequins from an unknown Swedish retail store sporting sets of purple lingerie. What’s special about them is that they actually look like real women. They have hips, breasts, and soft tissue. Their legs and arms look proportional. They are still slim, yes, but in a healthy way.

Average-sized mannequins from a Swedish retailer
are receiving praise for being realistic.

A few worry that making larger mannequins will promote obesity, but to that I say “Pah!” The mannequins aren’t obese; they are a more realistic depiction of what women actually look like. How does seeing a super skinny mannequin help us picture clothing on our own bodies? How does it make us feel when those clothes don’t seem to fit in quite the same way?

The picture surfaced earlier this week on the Women’s Rights News Facebook page with a message attached: “Store mannequins in Sweden. They look like real women. The US should invest in some of these.”

And I have to say, I agree. What do you think?