Why I’m Still Struggling To Love My Body

Self-love is hard when self-hate is the norm.

I’ve been trying harder than ever these past few years to really love my body. And though I think I’m in a pretty good place right now, I still catch myself internally criticizing because I still don’t have a flat belly, nonexistent “muffin tops,” or a smaller chest.

I found myself puzzled time and again at how I could still be having toxic thoughts like that after all this time of positive thinking and research into nutrition and holistic health.

I thought back to try and pinpoint where these negative patterns of behavior might have started – and that’s when I realized that I’ve always had them. They were engendered in me from the moment I started comprehending language. These patterns of thought and behavior have been exemplified in nearly every aspect of my life—by my mother, sister, friends, exes, coworkers, celebrities, and people I have never even met.

If you asked me to, I probably couldn’t point to an example of a time when my mother didn’t think she was fat. I remember her gazing dreamily up at a photo taken when she was about 25 years old and in prime shape. Tall, thin, long-legged, and after her first child but before the next two. It was her “goal” picture. And though she has never met that goal, I have a feeling that even if she did, she’d still find something about herself to dislike.

I don’t really blame her; it’s hard not to pick apart your body when the beauty standards society throws in front of us have been made impossible by the magic of programs like Photoshop and the fact that most of our job descriptions don’t include hours a day at the gym or a personal nutritionist. We expect perfection of ourselves and others, but that’s an impossible goal.

Now more than ever, I notice my mother doing the same thing she’s always done every time I go home to visit. We’ll be chatting about something, and she’ll casually bring up how fat she feels, and how she needs to lose weight. It’s the same conversation we’ve had for years, no matter what type of shape my mother was in.

But now, my 6-year-old niece is there, listening quietly to the adults talk. Learning that tearing yourself down for being even a little bit imperfect is something that you’re supposed to do. It tears my heart in two

It’s not just at home, though. I experience this everywhere I go. Visiting friends, at work, and even while commuting, I hear women and men talk about how they need to lose weight, how they are on a new diet or cleanse, how they had a “bad” food day, or how if they just had so-and-so’s hair or waistline or eyes, they’d be so much happier with themselves. And if it’s not people talking about themselves, it’s people talking about others.

It’s insidious. It’s toxic. And it needs to stop.

How are we supposed to learn to love ourselves if everywhere we turn, the example is self-hate?

Choose to Love Yourself this Valentine’s Day

What do you choose to be?
Image: AliEdwards.com

We choose to feel love, peace, happiness, tranquility. It’s a choice. Many times, it’s easier to make the opposite choice—choose to feel hate, anger, sadness, stress. Our lives demand a lot of us, and making that extra effort to overcome frustration and upset can often seem like too big of a barrier to overcome.

But it’s not. I promise you, it’s not.

We’re coming up on Valentine’s Day, Hallmark holiday that celebrates love—but perhaps moreso, the sale of chocolates, roses, and candy. Couples will enjoy fine dining lit by candles. Love songs will play on the radio. Stores will look like a Pepto Bismol factory exploded all over them. Lovebirds will smooch in the streets. Haters will hate, rolling their eyes at the entire affair.

But as overwhelming as all that can be, I think this holiday could be put to good use if we all tried just one thing: loving ourselves.

If we can’t do that, how can we ever truly love or receive love from others? Love is a completely vulnerable state—we lay ourselves bare from others, showing them all of us (not just the parts we like) and ask them to do the same.

Pulling away from that vulnerability, no matter how slightly, builds the foundation for a wall—one that will keep us from truly loving others and letting them in.

Love yourself.
Image: Shutterstock

Loving ourselves isn’t something to achieve and then walk away from—it’s an active process and something that we should do every day. In an article for the Huffington Post, Mary Pritchard gives some great advice for loving yourself even if you have no idea where to start.

“Spend some time each day taking care of you, showing yourself love and appreciation for all you do,” she writes. “That is, do something that makes your soul sing—something just for you. Don’t take the kids with you. Don’t invite your significant other. This is YOU time.”

Choose to love yourself this Valentine’s Day. I promise, you won’t regret it.

Choose.

Brag to Yourself: How Self-Affirmations Benefit You

Self-affirmations can help you lead a healthier, happier life.
Image: Shutterstock

So often as children, we’re told not to brag. We’re told to be humble. We’re told not to be full of ourselves, not to be selfish, and to always put others first. We’re told the world doesn’t revolve around us and that we are just one tiny speck in the universe.

And while all those bits of advice may be said with the best of intentions, they don’t exactly do wonders for our self-esteem, do they? There’s this strange disconnect in life, where we’re told we’re not “all that,” but at the same time, we are expected to be confident and believe in ourselves. It makes for a difficult balance sometimes.

There’s certainly a difference between being self-absorbed and merely confident in yourself, but it can be hard to toe the line successfully. Some fall into the habit of never believing they are “worth it” or good enough. Others cross over and come off as conceited and vain.

But there is a middle ground—and believe it or not, it can include self-affirmations. Research from Carnegie Mellon University suggests that practicing the daily mantra of self-affirmation can improve problem-solving skills and reduce stress. It can give you an improved self-image and self-worth, and it’s anything but bragging.

“A brief self-affirmation activity is sufficient to buffer the negative effects of chronic stress on task performance and can improve the ability to solve problems in a flexible manner during high stress periods,” researchers said. “Our study suggests that self-affirmation may increase creativity and insight in stressed individuals.”

Remember "The Little Engine That Could?"
Well, you can, too!
Image: Shutterstock

“I’m good enough.”

“I’ve got this.”

“People like me.”

“I am an intelligent, graceful, and beautiful person.”

“I am important.”

Affirmations such as those can make all the difference in life. Believing in yourself is key to success, and when done right people will see it as anything but bragging. You are worth it. Stop doubting yourself, and go get ‘em, tiger.

Fitness Tip: Do What’s YOU

What makes you happy? Do that.
Image: Shutterstock

I have some confessions to make: I hate lifting weights. I hate doing pushups. I hate working out while I’m isolated.

I don’t “do” treadmills; I prefer going for a jog around the neighborhood. When it’s just me, it’s a 50/50 whether I will follow through with a workout; but when I have a workout buddy, I’ll happily go 99% of the time. 

Does the fact that I have all these dislikes mean that I just need to suck it up and adjust my attitude? I don’t think so. I think it means my body and mind are trying to tell me something.

You see, I have a philosophy on how to live life: happy. If a workout makes me miserable and I have to force myself to do it five days a week, that’s five hours of happiness that I’ve cheated myself out of. The solution lies in finding the activity that’s right for me. Something I can enjoy. Something that makes me happy. Something that makes me love myself, not something that makes me miserable.

I do hot yoga because it makes me happy <3
Image: Shutterstock

If you follow me on Twitter, you might have seen my tweet earlier about my newfound love of hot yoga. I’ve posted about it before, and I finally tried it last week—and let me tell you, I’m completely hooked. In a week I’ve been back three times, and I’ve no intention of slowing down. The best part is, I absolutely love it. I love the challenge, the group mentality, the calming effect, and hell, even the heat and sweat.

Is hot yoga right for everyone? Maybe not (although I do suggest trying it sometime). But I do believe that there is something out there for everyone, if not many things for everyone. Some people get in shape doing one specific type of workout, and others mix it up to keep things interesting—do whatever works best for you!

Jessica Alba mixes up her workouts.
Image:Helga Esteb / Shutterstock.com 

I was just reading about a woman named Kelly O’Malley Mattone, M.D. She was trained at Mount Sinai, owns her own Boutique Cosmetic Practice called O_MD Med Studio, and is married to Carl Mattone, a successful real estate mogul in New York. But what caught my eye about her was her pursuit of passion. She ice skates, kick boxes, rock climbs, skis, plays tennis, and loves ballroom dance. What’s more is that she’s opening up her own ballroom dance and fitness studio to share that love with others. To me, she’s a great example of figuring out what it is that you love and then just going for it.

Another great example is Jessica Alba. She mixes up her workout routine with a variety of workouts, from Bootcamps to the gym to swimming to yoga. She also constantly eats “clean” all the time. She also founded The Honest Company, which specializes in baby, bath & body, cleaning, and health & wellness products that are safe to use in the home and around children.

What are you passionate about? Is it running, lifting weights, doing yoga or pilates, dancing, playing sports, or something else? If you don’t know, find out! It will make leading a healthy, happy life so much easier.