Dearest readers, there is something that’s been bothering me
lately, and I’m not sure what to do about it. You see, as much positivity as I
try to radiate to myself and to others, I’m finding that some negativity is
still leaking its way through. As good as I feel about attending regular yoga
classes and eating healthy (most of the time), I still find myself internally
criticizing my body.
I look fat.
I need to lose weight.
I wish I had [flatter
abs, smaller boobs, better arm muscles, etc.]
And at the back of my brain, a nagging voice that says
things like
You’ll never get
there.
She’s just prettier
than you.
I admire Jennifer Lawrence's outlook on body image. Image: Jaguar PS / Shutterstock.com |
Why does this keep happening? Is it just me, or does this
happen to any of you, too?
Many people would be quick to blame the media and the
unhealthy body image it so often cultivates, and maybe that’s part of it for
me. But, to be honest, I have way more envy of women like Jennifer Lawrence,
who has been referred to a “fat actress” in Hollywood because she has a few
curves. In other words, she’s not stick-thin and doesn’t torture herself out of
food like many others. She's fit, but doesn't have the same obsession with eliminating every ounce of body fat from her body.
A while back, I watched an inspiring poetry slam entry from
Lily Myers, who participated in the 2013 College Unions Poetry Slam
Invitational. She put into beautiful images what I think is really the root of
the problem: accidental behavioral inheritance. We pick up the habits of those
around us, whether we mean to or not. Myers talks about her mother in her
piece, “Shrinking Women,” who seems to take up less space each time she goes
home to see her:
“I never meant to replicate her, but spend enough time
sitting across from someone and you pick up their habits—that’s why women in my
family have been shrinking for decades.”
After watching this video, I realized that I grew up this
way, too. Show my mother any photo of herself, and no matter how beautiful she
looks, she is never satisfied: she always says she looks fat. My sister does
the same thing, pointing out “neck rolls” that I never even noticed and that
are actually just natural folds of the skin.
Me, I’m stuck somewhere between where I want to be and what
I learned to tell myself. No matter how many times my mother tells me I am
beautiful, I still find myself struggling to truly internalize it because I
have never heard her call herself beautiful. Some days, I believe what she
tells me, but other days I wear baggy sweatshirts to cover up the imagined
fatness.
So how do we end this circular cycle of viciousness against
ourselves? I think it’s something that we’re going to have to work on for a
long time. I’ve already promised myself that I won’t put myself down in front
of my children. Because as much as I might think that what I say would only
hurt me, it would hurt them, too, in the end.
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